I was sitting down to write a New Years message to all of you when I saw this message from Ray on Facebook. For those of you who don’t know Ray, she is one of BL’s yoga instructors, helps manage the desk, does all our graphic design and has become a dear friend to many of us!! Her message spoke to me so much that I decided I would share with all of you. So this week I offer you a guest antics from my friend Ray...
Okay so I wasn’t going to share this, but I think going into 2019 it’s important to me that I have an open heart, that I am honest even if it makes me vulnerable. So here goes nothing. . .
Life is a constant balance of positive and negative. At times it can be mostly positive or maybe it seems overwhelmingly negative. But either way, we all experience these highs and lows. For me 2018 was full of HIGH highs and LOW lows. The most intense roller coaster ride I’ve been on to date. With highs it was so easy for me to adapt, to get lost in the excitement, and to feel my cup overflowing with such ease. With the lows, it’s far from easy, it’s really really hard. & now I struggle to look at the glass half full and I’m quickly overwhelmed with fear, anxieties and doubt. No matter how happy you are, when life tests us, it’s easy to come crashing down.
I know the tools required to stay afloat. I practice and teach yoga every week, I preach the art of breath and letting go. I have an amazing support group of family and friends. I read or write whenever I’m overwhelmed (like right now), I’m not afraid to ask for help. You see, I know what to do, but I STILL struggle. I think what’s hard, is the new day to day experiences that bring to surface these past wounds. So even if you’re good for weeks, then you hear a song or catch yourself in a daydream and suddenly it hits you again, it feels so fresh, and just like that you feel like your ten steps back where it began. I’m learning that with grief, there’s no quick fix. You have to keep living your best life or it will swallow you up whole. You have to get up, even when you want to curl up in bed forever... I know easier said than done.
As mentioned, 2018 has been a rollercoaster of a year for me. From my photos it looks picture perfect, I had my dream wedding and married my high school sweetheart, we had a beautiful Maui honeymoon, we moved into our dream home, and we found out we were having a baby girl. These are things I’m sooooooo grateful for, but this year was far from perfect. My long time friend Nino was killed, I watched cancer rob my Aunt Venise of this life she deserves to be living, I lost my first pregnancy, and in lou of all this I lost site of my faith and I lost pieces of myself. So much grief in such a short amount of time, and even though I have so much to be grateful for, the heartache is often overwhelming. Just because you see us celebrating, doesn’t mean we’re unaware that we’re missing two loved ones at every single event. Just because I am pregnant again, doesn’t mean I no longer grieve the loss of my first baby. As a matter of fact, after experiencing pregnancy loss, this pregnancy has brought up a ton of fears and anxiety, I struggle a lottttttttttt, and as hard as I try to not to worry, I literally can not help it. When I feel these lows, and highs, it makes me miss Venise even more, what I would do to be able to talk her. This pain is real and it’s hard, and although I’m pretty good at staying positive and putting on a brave face, that outside layer is so much thinner than what’s really going on inside.
2018 has tested me beyond any year in my life. Everything felt like a walk in the park compared to this last year. I feel like I’m climbing a mountain, and I might never make it to the top. *Pause* . I think “the top” is all an illusion, now that I’m thinking more clearly. Life is always going to be a climb, just sometimes less intense than other times, letting go of making it to the top.
SO, New Years resolutions, keep climbing, less anxiety, more peace, less fear, more trust, less doubt, more gratitude, less force, and more flow.
Please know I am here if you find yourself in similar situations. You’re not alone.
Cheers to growth and healing in 2019. ????
Love you V, Nino, and my little angel ️ ️